Love and Relationships

You Cannot Change A Man But You Can Do This

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You cannot change a man but you can be the instrument that triggers his change, You Cannot Change A Man But You Can Do This and it’s funny how women believes that they can. I know you might feel bad right now but its not about how you feel, it’s about the real deal. You cannot change a man and I will tell you why.

You cannot change a man so I’m gonna use two terms (narratives) which I called “Direct mode of change and Indirect mode of change” to explain why you cannot change a man and how you can be an instrument that triggers his change.

Direct mode of change :

You cannot change a man using a direct mode of change. This scenario is quite impossible because changing a man directly can be like telling him to behave in a certain way just because you are there but act differently when you not around and that’s hypocrisy and pretense. This type of change can cause a lot of implications in a relationship because its full of lies and deceits.

You Cannot Change A Man But Do This
Direct mode of change (

Trying to Change a man is like forcing him to become who he’s not and that won’t work. He is not doing it out of love. They say love conquers all, in as much as I believe that I also understand that sometimes we need to allow nature take it course.

I had a therapy session with one of my clients, he told me of how much his wife hates alcohol and warned him not to take a bottle of beer. He told me he had to succumb to his wife because he didn’t want any problem. “He didn’t want any problem” really? That’s not a good reason to stop a bad habit.
I asked him, do you still take alcohol? He said “of course, but when my wife is not around” . really?. That’s hypocrisy and pretense

Changing a man is difficult because there are a lot of factors and instruments surrounding the lifestyle of men in general.

Indirect mode of change :

This is when a man decides to change on his own out of any form of physical, spiritual or emotional factors and instruments which may be the fact that he wants to be a good person, a good husband to his wife, a good son to his mother, a good father to his children or to become healthy (read more on emotions imprisonment here). These are his reasons for change but there are factors and instruments that triggers these reasons and that’s when you as a woman comes into play. One of the factors of Change can be the love he has for you, it can be that he loves you enough to know that you’re hurting on the inside because of his behavior after all when you love someone you don’t wanna hurt them right?. Learn how to change a man, continue reading,

You Cannot Change A Man But You Can Do This
Indirect mode of change

I was once a flirt and what helped me overcome that habit was my girlfriend, she was the instrument but not the reason why I wanted to stop. She was actually one of the factors that triggered my negative change of behavior into a positive one. The reason why I wanted to stop being a flirt wasn’t because I loved her else I would have gone back to being a flirt when she isn’t around. I made up my mind because I wanted to become a responsible man, I wanted to discipline myself before I go into marriage. She wasn’t my reason but an instruments that influence my decision making positively. As a woman you don’t need to make this mistake of wanting to be a reason for his change of behavior.


The question is, can a woman change a man? Absolutely NO. Can a woman be the reason why a man change? Absolutely NO. Can a woman be an instruments that triggers his positive change of behavior? absolutely YES. You can’t force a man to change, and the more you understand that you can’t be a reason but rather an instruments then you will stop fighting battles that are not meant for you. If you try to change him he will end up showing you what you want to see but act differently when you are not around. Be the instrument that triggers his reasons for a good lifestyle and not the reason. If he change because of you what happens when you’re no longer with him? Have heard guys saying “When I was with my Ex I didn’t do this and that” then why doing it to your new partner? That’s because they were in a direct mode of change not the true nature of it which I called “indirect mode of change”.

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The Founder of Hisparadise, a relationship counselor. Johnnywriter has covered topics related to depression, anxiety, and relationships. With an understanding that there is never too much information and helpful research about relationship problems in all of its forms, He continues to look for new and creative ways to both start discussions & engage with others about these important topics.

1 Comment

  1. It was really helpful, I think I have a better understanding.

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