‘’ I feel empty, I feel as if I can’t trust anyone enough to express my feelings to’’ She cried out
‘’You are married, why can’t you talk to your partner about it?’’ I asked her.
“He doesn’t understand, he doesn’t listen’’ she answered.
Let’s go on a long ride………………………..
‘’My Emotions And Me’’ is a new project that tackles a lot of personal problems, relationship, family and peer group pressure but its specifically for those who has problem when it comes to being honest about their feelings yet pretends to be strong on the inside.
Back forward my life story to few years ago, I used to pretend as if I wasn’t going through nothing but In reality I was going through a lot of things way bigger than myself. Of course I had to swallow all of that because I felt tackling my own problem by myself was the best thing I could do. At some point its true but in all dimensions it comes with some effects and I will list out those negative effects as you read on.
I was born into a family that believes in self-improvement and strength. We believe that as a human one should be able to tackle his or her problem personally. As we grew up somethings began to change and my mother started getting too involved in our personal problems. She didn’t believe in fighting alone but my dad did. As little as I was, my dad made me the protector of the family and I still recall when my big cousins came to the house and took our home theatre speakers, I wasn’t there to stop them and even if I was there what exactly would I have done to two big guys? I was just 7year old and they were 23 and 26year old respectively. My father believes that one must learn how to stand up for his or herself and not involve other people be it family, friends or relatives.
Forward to the present, my mom happens to be our everything and she’s our role model too. She believes that you need your family to be there for you when you can’t tackle or speak out your inner feelings or emotions. I learnt from both my mom and dad because I wouldn’t say my dad was wrong or my mom is wrong. They were both right and wrong depending on the circumstances that occur in our everyday life.
I believe that there are circumstances that require the help of your family, relatives or friends or even strangers and there are circumstances that require your inner self, your inner being, and have seen and experience those circumstances and situations since when I was a kid.
In all my relationships I always believe that your relationship problems shouldn’t be shared outside and I would say it right and wrong, I will tell you why I feel it’s wrong but recommended.
WHY IT’S WRONG TO SHARE YOUR FEELINGS
There’s a particular paragraph in one of my online articles that reads “Be careful who you share your relationship problems with because society is waiting for you to breakup” you can read that again so you would have a proper and deep understanding about what am trying to say.
Sharing your relationship or personal problem with the wrong person is the worst mistake you can do to yourself because the advice will always be on the interest of negativity.
Secondly, sharing your problem with an outsider is bad because you might end up sharing it with your enemy or your partner’s enemy, even an enemy to your family and success. Now ask yourself this question “what if I end up reporting my partner to someone who hates my partner so much? What exactly do I want to hear? I will definitely going to get a very bad opinion and such opinion come with reasons why you should leave your relationship. Imagine reporting your partner to a man or woman who has a crush on you or who is ready to do anything to have you? What exactly do you want to hear? Now you get the picture right?
Thirdly, I once told someone my problem and the next thing I heard was that I was going through something miserable and I was depressed. I just told one person whom I called my friend and it got to everyone around me, I was upset but at the same time I learnt my lesson because I learnt that I can’t share my problem with everyone. Some are just waiting for you to say it so they will use it against you. That’s the world we are living in so you must be careful when it comes to that person you feel is close to you enough to know about your problem.
WHY SHARING YOUR FEELINGS IS RECOMMENDED
Let me tell you a little story. After my last breakup in the university, I was devastated (you can read my online article titled “what I learnt after my last breakup in college” at www.hisparadise.com) I was down and didn’t know what to do, in fact it affected my education and I was failing my exams, crazy right? I know you’ve gone through that moment before but if you haven’t gone through such then keep reading and learn. Maybe you will be able to use this article to inspire those around you. I fought really hard because I wanted to get over her and I felt everything was my fault but it wasn’t, that was my emotions playing dirty tricks on me and I fell for it because I wasn’t able to master my emotions, that’s why I talked about how to manage your emotions and become strong so you won’t have to look down on yourself and so you would become stronger when it comes to managing how you feel and how you react to certain circumstances which has to do with your decision making.
I was still advising people on how to be strong after breakup but I wasn’t able to heal myself all by myself, funny right? Yeah I guess.
But the truth is, the more you force yourself to heal, the more devastated you become. I knew in order for me to heal and overcome my emotions I needed to speak it out but I must be careful who I choose to share my feelings and emotions with, else I would do myself more harm than good. So, I took some time off from all the stress and the most importantly I was able to find someone who helped me after trying and failing many times due to the set of people I met, they always use my problem to judge me. When I met this man, I was open up to him. I never knew him and he was honest and I tried to be honest too. We talked about how I was feeling and because he had experience he was able to touch every part of my story and told me he understood how I felt. Through him, I was able to learn a lot of things about moving on and the most important thing you must do is to forgive yourself and then forgive your offender. You can’t forgive your offender if you don’t forgive yourself first.
So, we have good and bad effects that comes when we share our problems and feelings to people but the most important thing is finding someone who is mature enough to help you, while it becomes worst when you find someone who uses your problems to judge you. It’s a game of luck.
It’s another thing When it comes to telling your problems to your family, we believe that family comes first and when it comes to family there are a lot of emotions attached to it so I wouldn’t be surprise if you end up disagreeing with what I have to say because it’s definitely going to hurt you badly but if you look beyond your emotions you will see a lot of reasons and you will understand what am trying to pinpoint to you.
Sometimes what makes us involve our family in our personal and relationship lives is because of emotions. Our emotion says “go tell your family about it” and that tiny voice says “you can tackle this with your partner”. And the truth is, if you can’t control your emotions there’s no way you will be able to hear that tiny voice in your head because your emotions will choose what you should do. It controls you every time you want to make a decision.
Learning how to speak out your mind is the best thing you can do and knowing who to express your emotions and feelings to is the best gift you can find. I will tell you how to choose a good counselor when it comes to expressing your feelings and it may sound differently compare to what others will tell you but if you can be honest about your feelings, you will realize that a good counselor is someone who has experience in a chosen field or section. A marriage therapist cannot counsel someone when it comes to a career choosing path because that’s not his or her area of expertise.
I started life too early, I made a lot of mistakes at a tender age and I grew up making lots of mistakes both in family, friendships, relationships, education, sex, and life. I won’t say that I’m proud of those moments but I’m definitely happy that I made those mistakes at a very young age and I learned from it. I’m not saying you should make those mistakes, no. I’m saying that you can learn from other peoples’ mistakes. Our destinies differs, there are mistakes I would make and it doesn’t come with deep consequences because of grace and the timing but you might make that same mistake and pay heavily for it.
We all need someone to share our feelings with; they might not be our friends, family, and partner but It can be a stranger you just met inside a taxi, in a cinema, stadium, sit-out or anywhere. All that matters is finding someone you can share our feelings with.
Last year December, A client contacted me via my website (www.hisparadise.com) and he talked about his relationship with his wife and told me that he was going through emotional breakdown but couldn’t tell his wife because she was the cause of his emotional trauma, after asking him few questions I came to realize that he needed someone who would listen to him but his wife never had that time for him so he was devastated but out of maturity as he perceived he couldn’t speak it out to his family and friends. I recommended his level of maturity but despises his lack of communication skills in his marriage. Mr. Kane is someone who believes in handling his problems by himself without disclosing any to other people, even his wife. A lot of men are this way and it takes a lot to make them understand that two partners are meant to know everything about each other. Later on, I came to understand that Mr. Kane was his own problem and not his wife. I told him but he got angry and ended our chats after telling him he was the cause of his pain. Few weeks later, he called and told me he thought about the whole thing and needed to take my advice because he was guilty. I advised him to evaluate his emotions and after admitting his mistakes, he should go and apologize to his wife for lack of communication and be a man in his marriage. I told him that, as couples or partners the worst thing you can do is to hide things from each other, that’s a very bad sickness.
Today, Mr./Mrs. Kane are happy communicators. Few months ago, I recommended them to a new client (Mrs. Eze) just so they could talk to her and learn from their mistakes and after that she should come back to me for counseling. They are now happy to help other people too because Mr. Kane met the right person to share his feelings with (ME).
A good Relationship Therapist must know how to listen and be honest with every word that comes out of his mouth and he won’t force himself to provide solution when there’s none.
One day, I stepped out from my office and I was really tired that I couldn’t talk to anyone or do anything because the little strength I had was to go to the ATM and withdraw since I was traveling for a friend’s wedding from Asaba to Enugu the next day, on getting to the ATM, I saw two couples arguing bitterly about some kind of photos sent to the man’s phone and the husband got really angry and left his wife, got inside the car and drove off. I was surprised and I looked at a woman who was in tears, her expression was hidden under a high level of pretense but she couldn’t cover it up.
I was tired but I regained strength and waited patiently for her to calm herself and it wasn’t long when she left the ATM and was looking for taxi so I approached her and entered the same taxi with her not knowing where she was going, I just needed to talk to her. After convincing her and giving her reasons why we should have a talk she finally agreed and we stopped and got to a nearby sit-out. That moment made me realize what people were going through in marriages, She told me a young girl keeps calling her husband and sending nudes to him, that the reason for the burst up at the ATM was because she was with her husband’s phone and while trying to send an email a message came in and she decided to view it and what she saw got a bad side of her emotions. She got angry after viewing another woman’s nudes sent to her husband by a young girl and when she confronted him he snatched the phone from her and shouted at her. I asked her how long it has been going on, she said few weeks and I told her to be honest with herself and tell me her reactions each time her husband makes her angry. She paused for some seconds and said that she always wish to fight him, in fact she always hit him and demanded for an explanation.
I advised her to do something different this time, and she asked how, I advised her to go home but shouldn’t shout at him but she should greet him and go directly to her room, have a shower and get him food to eat, she reacted negatively and said she wouldn’t do such not after what she’s going through and all the disrespectful acts showered on her by her husband. Well, I told her to listen to me not as a friend but as a stranger. At the end I was able to get her number and she agreed to do just as I said. I told her I will be in touch with her often to know her progress and I will be praying for her.
Few days later, she called and told me she has been doing all I advised her to do but it wasn’t working in fact it was getting worst by the day. I told her not to give up and should continue to respect her husband and dress well for him and pray for him but she should never insult or talk back at her husband no matter what. I then sent Mr. Kane’s contact after taking permission from him so he and the wife can also advise her as couples. To cut it short, few weeks later, she called me and told me she wants to see me so we booked at appointment. I was sitting and waiting for her in the same sit-out we sat the first day, behold she came with her husband and I was surprised. I welcomed them and the husband was appreciating my impact in his marriage. He asked me why I didn’t come with my wife; I smiled and told him I wasn’t married. He was shocked and asked me how come I was able to save their marriage and I just told him that I learnt from peoples’ mistakes and used it to create positive impact in the lives of those around me. Mr. Eze promised his wife to always respect no matter what while Mrs. Eze promised to never nag anymore. I saw a different Mr./Mrs. Eze after just few weeks of changing direction and channeling their negative emotions to something positive. We left Mac-dons bar that evening with a new mindset and a renewal of promises.
The most important thing is finding someone you can talk to and who can give you good advice and not someone with no idea about your problem. That’s why I created a platform where people can interact with me without having to hide anything. A platform whereby you can have my full attention. I’m not charging anyone except it get to the level of private or individual counseling. You need each other as partners and if you are single you need someone to talk to but be careful who you choose as your mentor and counselor.